


Save Us, Homeland

by scotcharc



Category: THE9 (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, F/F, Idol Producer Season 3 | Youth with You Season 2, Idols, Inspired by Music, Jealousy, Kexin - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Secret Relationship, Slight mention of Kroy, Smoking, Stubborness, Xinran - Freeform, the9 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29434203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scotcharc/pseuds/scotcharc
Summary: “I’m done."Yuxin felt the world spin out of its axis. Her heart started racing.“Keke, talk to me—”“I tried to talk to you so many times I lost count, Yuxin. I can’t do this anymore.” Keran’s voice wavered at the end. And that was when Yuxin saw it.Pain.Keran was in pain.And she was the reason.
Relationships: Lin Fan/Kong Xue'er, Liu Yuxin/Lu Keran
Kudos: 47





	Save Us, Homeland

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Save Us, Homeland is a work of fiction inspired by Exile, a song from Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver. This story is for entertainment only without the author gaining any profit in any way. Any resemblance to other works, characters, or events, is entirely coincidental. The role or part played by all publicly recognizable people in this narrative is entirely fictional. No copyright infringement is intended.

The room was dark; only moonlight streamed through the window. There was the sound of thunder with howling wind and rustling trees in the distance. Keran opened the window, letting the gust of cold breeze and the scent of incoming rain into the bedroom.

 _Their_ bedroom.

The scraping sound of a lighter can be heard in the room, but the windblast kept blowing the spark out. Keran frowned before she slammed the rail down as she sat on the window seat. A cigarette hung between her lips as she lowered her head to lit it, followed by a deep inhale of smoke. Keran rarely smokes as it was such an unhealthy habit. She remembered Keyin mentioned something about her being a stress smoker since she only smokes when stressed enough.

Keran took another deep drag before she tapped the ashes into the ashtray where it had been twirled between her fingers before. A knot formed in her stomach as she recalled something at the party last night. She took another draw.

Keran watched from afar when another male celebrity wrapped his arms around Yuxin’s waist as they dance in the center of the ballroom. He whispered something that made her laugh and smack him on the shoulder, her crescent eyes wrinkled charmingly from a distance. Keran’s hold on her flute got tighter. She finished the drink in a few gulps, taking a new one before heading to the balcony.

Keran was never good at disguising her jealousy, so before some photographers catch her making evil eyes at someone, she better moved herself to a more secluded area. The cold breeze on her skin almost made her curse out loud. Jiaqi’s advice for wearing this dress in the hope of keeping _someone’s_ eyes just on her for the whole evening sounded ridiculous now. Keran took a sip of her champagne to ignore the biting coldness on her exposed neckline.

Keran knew their routine when attending parties by heart. They would come separately, mingle with different people, greet each other like a long-lost friend, talk for a while, and then go on a separate way. She didn’t know why she agreed to it in the first place. Maybe because it was what they agreed on. Maybe because it was what they’ve been doing for years. Maybe she agreed because Yuxin insisted on it.

She went back, staring out the window.

The fight had started the minute Yuxin stepped into the foyer, asking about Keran’s sour face at the party. The long list of reasons why they fight was brought to the table. Keran’s jealousy issues, Yuxin’s lack of understanding, their careers, years of a secret relationship, and closeted sexuality highlighted other unsaid things. It escalated as neither of them backed down. All hell broke loose as months of pent-up frustration from previous fights spurted from their mouth. Keran couldn’t even remember what they fought about in the first place, but it was terrible enough for Yuxin to walked out of their house.

 _Their_ home.

But is it still their home? Because when Keran looked around, she started to feel estranged. The shadows were harsh and frightening. The silence was deafeningly loud Keran thought her ears might bleed from it. Angry tears stung her eyes as she blinked it away—another drag.

When Yuxin left with a slammed door behind her, Keran’s hearts tugged her to chase Yuxin, as she should. But Keran rooted to the ground, and Yuxin kept walking away. Keran glanced at the digital clock on the bedside, 02:18.

Yuxin hasn’t back home.

This wasn’t the first time Yuxin had walked out. It became her habit to walk out when their fights started months ago, ever since Keran told her she was tired of keeping their relationship a secret. Keran hated when Yuxin angry, but she hated it more when Yuxin was silent. Keran hated it when emotions left her face. When Yuxin’s face turned that annoying shade between neutral and robotic. She hated when Yuxin just left and slammed the doors, leaving her staring at it. She hated it when Yuxin left the fight unfinished.

Moreover, Keran was tired. She was tired of the yelling, the stubbornness, the crying. She was tired of Yuxin’s choice to flight over fight. She was tired of being left out alone in this dark, eerie, empty home. She was tired of staring at those doors, slammed in her face. She was tired of staring out the window. She never got to slam the door. And it hurt and annoyed her more than she cared to admit.

Keran put out her cigarette in the ashtray before she lit another one. She turned away from the window and took a long drag of her cigar, feeling the tension in her neck and shoulder start to loosen, albeit faintly.

***

Yuxin tossed and turned on Keyin’s sofa. She was too angry to stay whenever they fight and too scared of saying something that she might regret later. Over and over, Keran had declared that she was tired of keeping their relationship a secret. But she never bothered to think of the consequences if they went public. Two women. Together, in a still-conservative community of China. Especially two _female_ _idols._ In China’s showbiz.

What had happened? They both had their priorities, chased the same things. They were happy with the way their lives were going. They agreed to kept it a secret, with only a handful of people knew.

But Keran’s changed of heart ruined everything, gradually causing the tension to a significant amount. Yuxin didn’t know how or when this change occurred, but it was crystal clear that it wasn’t just Keran’s priorities that changed. She had changed.

 _They_ changed.

Yuxin grimaced as their fight replayed in her mind. Keran’s jealousy oozed out in the open as she danced with Weiting- _ge._ Oblivious to the fact that Yuxin can felt her gaze a mile away, stabbing and clawing at her back. Yuxin closed her eyes and tried to remind herself of why she’d fallen in love with Keran in the first place.

Because, despite it all, she did love her.

Perhaps it was her eyes, always expressive. The way it brightened whenever they’re together. Or maybe it could be her charm and beauty that had definitely come with maturity. It could have been her hair, always everchanging in color but still suited her nonetheless. Maybe the way she looked when she fell asleep in her arms. Or the way her deep velvety voice became raspy and raw whenever she screamed Yuxin’s name in ecstasy.

Yuxin frowned.

What’s love got to do if all they’ve done these past months were fighting, yelling, and crying?

Yuxin sighed as she stood from the sofa and grabbed her jacket that she draped on the kitchen chair, checking her keys to make sure she won’t wake Keyin up just because she misplaced them. She left her friend a message, thanking Keyin to let her crashed her place for a moment. Yuxin quietly walked to the door and made sure it automatically locked before she left.

The parking lot was gloomy and deserted. Yuxin shuddered as she hurried toward her car. Two bursts of beeping sound broke the eerie silence, followed by an engine roared to life. Yuxin maneuvered her vehicle out of the building into the vast and quiet street of Shanghai. Taking advantage of the roads that were rarely pitched, she accelerated her speed. 

Yuxin lowered her window, and the fresh morning breeze hit her pale skin. The chill of late November stung her nose a little, but the freshness helped to get rid of her drowsiness. She entered a serene neighborhood of French Concession and parked her car outside a charming standalone three-story house with adjacent green space–a rarity in ever-bustling Shanghai. Yuxin took a deep breath before she turned the key to open the door.

The front door opened and closed, followed by shuffling feet on the stairs jolted Keran awake. She’d only fallen asleep a moment ago, awake by the nicotine she had been smoking earlier. Insomnia she had experienced lately didn’t help either. Yuxin apparently decided to went home after all. The scent of smoke lingered in the air, and Keran thought about getting up from the bed and opening the window to clear the cigarette scent away. But before she could hoist herself up, she thought, _why bother?_ , and just leaned her back on the headboard with her eyes closed.

Keran heard the bedroom door open as Yuxin walked in. The floor creaked softly under her steps. Keran listened to her lover’s breathing and sensed her presence near her side of the bed.

“You’ve been smoking.”

“Yes.”

Yuxin sighed as she took off her jacket and hung it in their shared walk-in closet. “I hate it when you smoke.” Yuxin turned to face Keran, still closing her eyes.

“And I hate it when you left.” Keran retaliated calmly. The faded knot in her shoulder reformed slowly.

“Are you seriously going to discuss it again?”

“Depends. Are you?” Keran opened her eyes and stared at Yuxin’s. 

“Let’s not fight again, Keke.” Yuxin turned away from Keran as she rummaged through their closet, pulled out an oversized hoodie, and then proceeded to wear it over her underwear.

Keran watched Yuxin’s movements in their room. She watched Yuxin walk into the bathroom and came out after a while with a clean face free of makeup. She watched as Yuxin walked to her side of the bed and tugged the cover aside. The bed dipped under the older’s weight as Yuxin tried to find a comfortable position. A few minutes passed as the troubled couple remained silent. The sun was still below the horizon, but its rays are scattered in the atmosphere, tinting the sky yellow, orange, red, and blue. Keran watched as the blue hour decorated Shanghai’s clear sky to foreshadow the inevitable rising of the sun.

Beside Keran, Yuxin laid silently facing her, bundling herself in their quilt. One would think that the younger was asleep judging by her state, but Keran knew better. Yuxin’s eyelids pinched a little too tightly while her eyebrows furrowed despite her steady breathing.

“I still think we should go public.” Keran blurted out, breaking the hard-build awkward silence between them. Yuxin huffed as she shoved the blanket away, disgruntled. She clicked her tongue in dismay.

“I thought we’re finished talking about this.”

“How could we finished if you always leave before—”

“Yeah, sure, just…bring it up all over again because I _know_ how much you like that—”

“ _Of course_ I have to bring it up since you always dismiss—”

“Because you’re being irrational—”

“I’m not—”

“Yes, Keke. You’re reckless—”

“This is not something that just sprang today. I have been thinking about it for months! This isn’t me being reckless, but you’re being a total jack—”

“Are you sure you want to continue that?” Keran huffed, unable to retaliated as Yuxin continued, “It was insane to even think about it! Do you understand what it would do to us if we go public? To our hard-fought career? Wait— _of course_ you do, because you’ve thought about it for months and nothing else!” Yuxin said as she stood abruptly from the bed, too agitated even to sit.

“I _am_ thinking about it, Yuxin! I’m so sick of you dismissed and patronized me as if I’m—”

“I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with going public—what it’ll do anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Save what we had, for starter—”

“And what is _that_ , exactly?”

Keran looked at Yuxin in anguish. Those beautiful eyes that she thought to be her soulmate now slowly transformed into a stranger. Yuxin’s words cut her deeper than she let on. Her heart sank deeper into her chest, the pressure almost unbearable with only Keran’s pride kept it hanging, just like how it kept her tears at bay.

What have they become to?

“How long should we keep fighting over this so you can see reason, Keke? I’m getting tired of this neverending absurd—”

“Absurd?!”

“ _Gods_ _,_ Lu Keran! How many times do I have to tell you? This. Is. Out. Of. Discussion! Going public is not going to _save_ us. It’ll fuck us up beyond recognition!”

“But I’m sick of living like this, Yuxin! I’m sick of pretending in every event, party, and any _fucking_ situation! I can’t keep living like this—like it’s a crime to love you—to be with you. It shouldn’t! I hate that we only exist in this goddammed house and not even an inch further!”

“You knew what you were getting into when we started this. You knew what happens to celebrities coming out in this kind of job, what it does to their career, their family, and everything they worked for. It’s a trainwreck waiting to happen! Are you really going to sacrifice us just for your selfishness?” Keran got out of the bed and stood facing Yuxin, but before she could make an objection, Yuxin cut her off, “We agreed that the reason to keep this relationship a secret was for the sake of our careers, our privacy, our family—”

“Mine’s changed, Yuxin!”

“Well, mine hasn’t! I’m not going to jeopardize everything I’ve worked so hard so you can just flaunt your status—”

“Flaunt my status? Yuxin, have I ever say anything like that?”

“No. But what else would you—”

“This is why I need you to listen to me. But _no_ , you’d never listen—”

“I listen, Keran! But you sounded like an obsessed maniac—”

“Do you think that we can keep this up forever? It may work for a while, but not anymore. This agreement—it will kill us both. It’s killing me now.” Keran whispered the last word as tears rolled down her cheeks. There goes her last defense, all tumbled down in front of Yuxin to see.

Yuxin felt a tugging ache as she saw the woman she loved since she was twenty-three years old wept silently. Something stung her eyes, but she blinked it stubbornly. Yuxin walked away from Keran, facing the window. Rosy hue cast across the morning sky and golden fingers of sunlight lighten up the scene. The world started building around their crumbling haven.

“We both too upset to continue this. We should rest—”

“We _need_ to talk, Yuxin.”

“I’m too tired of this, Keke. I don’t know what else you’d want me to do… this talk—”

“We haven’t talked in months, Yuxin. Yelling is our choice for communication these days.”

“And whose fault was that?” She turned to face Keran. Her angriness came back full force.

“Don’t you _dare_ blame me when you’re in it just as much as I am.”

“Yeah? Well, maybe you should get out of it then.” Keran froze as Yuxin spatted the last word. Yuxin was too livid to realized the damage she caused.

She just pulled the very, very, fragile last straw.

Keran didn’t realize when her tears had dried, but she wiped the sticky remnants on her face away. Nodding at Yuxin’s words. Finally, something that they can agree to. She looked into the younger’s eyes. Those eyes used to bring happiness and love; they used to reflect the warmth of the sun. Keran could stare at those hazel orbs forever—but now she couldn’t even hold her gaze. Those eyes add insult to injury. As Keran stood before her looking dejected, then Yuxin realized what had happened.

“You’re right.”

“Keke—”

Keran held her hand to Yuxin. She won’t let her finish. This time, she will be the one who walked out.

“I’m done.”

Yuxin felt the world spin out of its axis. Her heart started racing.

“I’m done, Yuxin. I’m done fighting with you _and_ for you. We’ve been walking on thin ice, and I’m afraid that we’ll break it. Well, since it already is, I might just as well—” She couldn’t continue because she might just crumble in front of Yuxin.

No more.

Yuxin froze as she watched Keran walked into the bathroom, changing her clothes. Keran walked towards their closet and pulled her coat, hat, and shawl.

“Where are you going?” Yuxin’s voice filled with dread.

“Out. Just like you said.” Keran grabbed her bag, making sure she has her purse and phone as she slung it on her shoulder. She made sure her cigarette and lighter were in there too.

“Keke, talk to me—” 

“I tried to talk to you so many times I lost count, Yuxin. I can’t do this anymore.” Keran’s voice wavered at the end. Halfway to the door, Keran stopped and turned around. And that was when Yuxin saw it.

Pain.

Keran was in pain.

And _she_ was the reason.

Remembering that Yuxin has a flight out of town for an event tomorrow, Keran added, “I’ll come back for my stuff tomorrow.” 

Keran closed the door behind Yuxin and let the sunlight enveloped the younger woman in morning light and silence. As the door closed, Yuxin almost crumbled to the floor. She numbly walked toward the bed, hoping with each step that the ground would open up and swallowed her. But it didn’t.

Keran’s scent mixed with the faint smell of smoke, making her dizzy. A sob escaped her lips, but before others could follow, Yuxin swallowed it away. There was a heavy pain inside her chest.

Yuxin crawled and wrapped herself with the blanket. Engulfed in her lover’s scent.

In _their_ bed.

***

Lin Fan was awakened by the ringing sound of her phone. She blearily fumbled to answered it. Lin Fan usually was an early bird, but six in the morning was putting it to stretch. 

“Hello…”

“Lin Fan, can you buzz me in?”

“Wait—Keke?”

“Yes, can you hurry, Fanfan—I’m cold.”

Lin Fan got up from her bed and rubbed her eyes. Due to her drowsy state, the short-haired girl might miss the tremulous wavers of her best friend’s voice. She bumped her shoulder blindly to the nearest wall and hissed as the pain jolted her awake. She pressed the buzzer and waited for her friend to knock on her door. Not long after that, a soft knock came from outside her door, and she opened it.

Lu Keran stood in from of her with her hands inside her coat pocket. Her face was covered by a long red shawl while her raven hair peeked from her beanie. But what caught her attention was how red and watery the older’s eyes were. She helped Keran out of her coat, hung it on the coat stand near the entrance.

“What’s wrong with your eyes, Keke?”

Keran hugged her arms around her stomach, “I ended it with Yuxin.”

It took Lin Fan a whole minute to digest the new information, and Keran just stood there awkwardly while keeping her gaze on the floor.

“Huh?!” Lin Fan gaped at her friend as she pulled Keran deeper into her house, “Wait, are you serious?” she shook Keran’s shoulders roughly, “Did she throw you out? Where are your bags?” Lin Fan narrowed her eyes suspiciously, “Did—did Liu _Laoshi_ hit you?” she said as she inspected Keran’s face and arms.

“Lin Fan, this is not domestic abuse. I’m not harmed.” Keran groaned, “I—I just walked out.”

“And you didn’t bring anything with you?”

“I didn’t exactly plan it. I plan to pack tomorrow because Yuxin has an event to attend, so we don’t need to see each other.”

Keran seated herself on the sofa, hugging her knees. Lin Fan was at a loss seeing her best friend like this. Keran barely had to explain anything, yet Lin Fan can feel how broken-hearted she was. 

“Do you want some tea?”

“Please,”

Lin Fan headed to the kitchen and filling the kettle with some water. As she waited for the water to boil, she asked, “Do you want some congee?”

“No,”

Lin Fan sighed, hearing Keran’s sad voice. In all those years she knew Lu Keran, she never saw or heard Keran this desolate. Not even when she broke up with Junxi months before they departed for Guangdong. Of course, Junxi and Keran’s little fling was a far cry from what Keran had with Yuxin, but still, it saddened her how miserable Keran looked.

The whistling sound from the kettle broke Lin Fan from her reverie. She dipped a tea bag and doused it with hot water, then carried it into the living room, but Keran was nowhere in sight. She looked around until she found Keran standing on the balcony, smoking.

“You’re smoking,”

“It calmed me.” Keran blew the white puff before she faced Lin Fan.

“Since when did you start it?”

“About six months ago. Don’t worry about me.”

“But I do, all the time. Don’t smoke too often, Keke. It’s not good for your vocal chord.”

“Is that for me?” Keke jerked her chin toward the mug in Lin Fan’s hand, changing the topic.

“So, wanna tell me what happened between you and Liu _Laoshi_?” Lin Fan handed the mug as she stood beside Keran.

“What’s there to tell? We fought. I left.”

Lin Fan remained silent as Keran took another drag of her cigarette. She knew better than to pry. Keran will open up when she was ready.

“Do you mind if I stay here for a while? Just until I got all of my stuff,”

“You can stay here as long as you like, _Ranmei_.”

The two friends shared an understanding smile as they stood in silence.

***

“You looked troubled,”

Yuxin looked away from the window to met Fan Chengcheng’s gaze.

“What’s make you say that?” she asked.

Chengcheng shrugged, “Just because.”

Yuxin just gave him a tired smile before she looked back to the window. She was on the earliest flight back to Shanghai. Once in a while, she would check her watch, but the more she saw it, the more nervous she would be. If they arrived on time, she might catch Keran packing—if she hasn’t left already.

“You’re very quiet, Yuxin.”

“I’m usually quiet, Chengcheng.”

“But it’s different.”

“How?”

“Like…you’re mourning.”

It startled her how accurate he was.

Yuxin waited for a moment before she replied, “I think I am.”

Yuxin remembered when she and Keran started their relationship. Only Keyin and Xiaotang knew about them. Xueer might suspect something, but Xueer being Xueer, never mentioned anything until she accidentally blurted out that Youku interview. 

Chengcheng gave her a calculated stare, “You’re heartbroken.”

They once had a collab on iQIYI Scream Night a few years back when The9 was still together. Yuxin was still exploring her relationship with Keran. When she introduced them both, Chengcheng once asked if Keran was close with someone in particular while keeping his eyes on Yuxin. At first, Yuxin thought that he might know about their relationship, but he laughed and changed the topic, so Yuxin kept her mouth shut.

“Yes.”

“Can’t you fix it with her?” He asked gently.

Yuxin’s heart skipped a beat, something flickered in Chengcheng eyes, and he sent her a knowing smile.

Chengcheng was always quite observant.

Yuxin smiled ruefully at him—if only he saw what she saw when Keran left.

“…I doubt it.”

***

Keran looked around.

The house looked exactly the same—like she never left. Keran half-expected that her things already been thrown into boxes, but Lin Fan thought that Yuxin would never do something like that. She loved her too much. But Keran was tired of hearing it; love couldn’t save them after all.

A lot had happened here. Momentous things.

She remembered the day when they moved into the house. It was summer. They were lucky to snatch this house since the demands for real estate in the Former French Concession were at an all-time high. They picked boxes after boxes and spent all day putting everything in place. They were enjoying a cold can of soda when Yuxin suddenly sneaked her hand behind Keran’s sweaty back and seductively suggested that they _bless_ every flat surface in the house.

The kitchen was a silent witness of Yuxin’s numerous pork ribs disaster before she managed to perfect it. Keran found one of Yuxin’s silver rings inside the meatballs she made for dinner on that dining table. They cackled all night. They also teamed up to prepare a little dinner for the housewarming party before they accidentally burnt the meat because they got carried away making out on the counter. In the end, they decided to order from the nearby restaurant. They silently took compliments from Shaking, Xiaotang, Xueer, and Naiwan before Linfan accidentally found the crumpled receipt.

Keran stepped into their bedroom.

The bed was made. Both Keran and Yuxin had always been particularly neat—especially Keran. She couldn’t sleep if the room was too cluttered, but Yuxin had her moments of laziness. There was this one time that Keran decided to wake Yuxin up with cunnilingus in the morning. She remembered the chorus of moans, gasps, and whimpers as Yuxin’s pressed her head deeper. They spent the day making love until they were too hungry to keep going.

Keran frowned. Sex was a weird thing to think about when she packed her stuff and move out of her home— _their_ home. She sighed and pulled her suitcase out of their walk-in closet. She opened it and started to remove her clothes from the hangers. She took some of the jewelry, perfumes, and shoes. She usually wore Converse, but Yuxin influenced her to use Nike too. Their shoe collections could compete with displays from shops. She never realized she shared almost everything with the younger woman until she started to pack. It showed her how integral and intertwined Yuxin was in her life, but that how it was when you’ve been together for years.

Lin Fan was waiting downstairs. She offered to help Keran packing, but Keran insisted that she do this alone, so Keran told her to wait downstairs. Yesterday Lin Fan asked Keran the strangest question; she wondered if Xueer preferred champagne pink or rose pink.

Incoming steps made Keran quickly turn, Yuxin was standing on the doorstep. Keran didn’t expect her to be back so soon, but there she was. She looked the same, but it felt like Keran hadn’t seen her in ages—except that it only been yesterday. Neither dared to move or made a sound.

It was awkward.

“I didn’t expect you to be back so soon.”

“Yeah… I—did you just get here?” Yuxin fumbled with her fingers, a nervous habit Keran easily recognized.

“No, I’m almost finished.” Keran pointed at her suitcase, “Lin Fan is downstairs.”

Yuxin nodded, shifting between her feet as if the floor was hot, “I see her,” Yuxin went back to fumbling with her fingers, then scratched her head, then rubbed her neck.

“You don’t have to move out, Keke.”

“No, I—I think I do. I’m going to stay with Lin Fan while looking for someplace.”

“But this is _our_ home.”

Keran looked at Yuxin with sorrowful eyes, but she was tired. She wondered if it’s possible to be tired without feeling tired? She doubted it because of her age. She wasn’t that old; she just turned thirty around two weeks ago.

“Did you know that Kong Xueer and Lin Fan are kind of together?” Keran changed the topic because she didn’t know how to respond to the earlier statement.

“I—” Yuxin’s eyebrows almost reached her hairline as she shook her head, “Huh…” she tilted her head, “I guessed stranger things had happened.”

They went back to silence.

“Do you want me to carry it?” Yuxin gestured to her suitcase.

Keran zipped her luggage, “No, you don’t have—”

But Yuxin already picked her luggage and dragged it out of the room. When she bent over to pick it up, Keran caught a whiff of her perfume. It was their favorite.

She looked around their bedroom before taking a deep breath and followed Yuxin downstairs into the sitting room. Lin Fan was smiling at her phone as she busily typed away. She looked up when they came into the room. Yuxin and Lin Fan exchanged a hug and small talk before Lin Fan offered to bring Keran’s bag to her car, leaving the couple alone once more. Keran started to walk to the door when Yuxin called out her name.

“Keke, I—” she trailed off, words died in her throat before she could take it out.

Keran turned and waited as Yuxin struggled. Yuxin couldn’t help but wonder what words could make her stay. This might be her only chance. She desperately wanted to tell Keran that she was sorry. She wanted Keran to stay and that she still loved her despite everything. But instead, she went for…

“Take care.”

A weak smile tugged at Keran’s mouth, barely reaching her eyes.

“Goodbye, Yuxin.”

***

Yuxin sat on the center of their bed for hours, her gaze empty. There were some calls from Xueer, but she ignored them. Aventus Creed was cradled inside her hands; it was Keran’s favorite fragrance to wear at this time of the year. Keran love and abundance of perfumes were very convenient for her because she trusted Keran’s taste. Yuxin wasn’t sure if it was because of living with Keran or not, but she could smell the difference between her and Keran. They might share fragrances, but it wasn’t anything like that. It was a subtle scent that individually belonged to them. Yuxin never noticed her own scent until it was mixed into Keran’s.

Yuxin sprayed the perfume in the air a few times. The fruity aroma filled her nose, tinted with floral and leather accords. She could smell pineapple, blackcurrant, with a whiff of jasmine, rose, and musk. Yuxin fell asleep hugging the embezzled silver bottle.

***

Keran was balancing a portrait in her new apartment. She was grateful that she could found a new place before the end of the year. Lin Fan and Naiwan helped her with the moving. They planned to eat outside when Keyin and Xueer came by with take-outs. Before she went to bed, Xiaotang video called her, demanding a virtual tour to her new abode.

“I felt bad for Xueer and Keyin.”

“Eh, why, _baobei_?”

“I felt like I forced them to pick the side between Yuxin and me. Especially Xueer, since she is Yuxin’s long-time friend.”

“Don’t think like that, Keke. You and Yuxin are our friends. We all can be friends with you two.” Keran remained silent, “You know, Shuxin called me yesterday. She met Yuxin at work, and she was shocked to see her.”

Keran responded before she could stop herself, “Why?”

“Apparently, Yuxin was super thin now.”

“She’s always thin.”

“Well, quoting Shuxin; Yuxin is like, Tim Burton’s movie kind of thin.”

Keran averted her gaze from the phone. She was grateful that it’s just a video call, or Xiaotang would have noticed something. They talked about other things before Keran ended the call. She spent the whole night staring at her window, smoking.

***

Yuxin walked down the empty hallway. She only visited this place a few times, but if her memory served her, then Lin Fan’s apartment supposedly down this hall. She took a steadying breath before tapped her knuckles to the door a few times. A shocked face of Kong Xueer greeted her.

Keran had told her that both Xueer and Lin Fan were close, but she didn’t know that they were _that_ close. Come to think of it, Keran told her a lot of things. Yuxin just hadn’t listened because it wasn’t anything she wanted to hear.

“Yuxin!”

“Xueer—”

“Liu _Laoshi!_ What are you—nevermind. Come on in!” Lin Fan appeared beside the redhead as she welcomed the guest.

Yuxin slowly stepped into the room, and all of them fell into an awkward silence before Lin Fan offered to make them all tea. She started to head to the kitchen before Xueer held her arm and offered to do it instead, squeezing Lin Fan’s shoulder affectionally as she retreated to the kitchen. Leaving the two short-haired women in the living room.

“Lin Fan, I—”

“Do you—”

Both women fell silent once again. Lin Fan cleared her throat before she continued, “Please, sit and make yourself comfortable, Yuxin.”

Yuxin seated herself in the center. Lin Fan being a considerate host, offered her various chips on the table. 

“So…you’re and Xueer…”

“We—um, kind of… I _mean_ —” Lin Fan stuttered with her words.

“I wanted to tell you myself,” Xueer appeared, balancing the three cups on a tray. After she handed them their cup. Xueer sat beside Yuxin, trapping her between the two.

“It’s alright, Xueer. You really don’t have to explain it to me.”

Yuxin’s face was covered in makeup, but Lin Fan bet that Yuxin sported dark circles and heavy eyebags underneath. Her cheeks looked gaunt even with meticulous makeup covered them.

Lin Fan was not one to beat around the bush, “You look too thin, Yuxin. Did you eat well?” 

“I always struggled to put on some weight,” Yuxin responded with a small laugh.

Lin Fan sneaked a glance at Xueer as she shook her head warningly.

“Do you need anything, Yuxin?”

 _Keke_.

“I—I thought Keke stay with you.”

“She moved out two days ago,”

“Where?”

“To her new apart—”

“Yuxin, I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet her for now,” Xueer warned, “Didn’t you said you wanted to give her some space?”

“Well—”

“Xueer’s right, Yuxin. Maybe you should—”

“I asked Keyin, but she kept changing the topic. Every time I asked Xiaotang, she always told me that the signal was crappy in Beijing. Naiwan told me to talk to you. I don’t know what you guys are planning, but—” Yuxin stopped and took a steadying breath, “I just want to talk to her.”

“I really want to help, Yuxin. I really do, but Keke asked me specifically not to give you her address.”

Yuxin remained silent for a few minutes, “I need fresh air.”

Lin Fan pointed her to the balcony while Xueer followed behind. Between her vanishing appetite, insomnia, and mountain of works, Yuxin felt old. Old, worn out, and tired. She fished a pack of cigarettes and a match inside her pocket. Xueer narrowed her eyes.

“Since when do you smoke?”

“Yesterday.”

Yuxin never smoked before, but she always wondered how it’ll taste. It was disgusting. But funny enough, there was this sense of calm in every drag. She knew it was the nicotine, but since Keran left, Yuxin was struggling to calm down. Yuxin picked the habit from Keran, and Keran was the sole reason she smoked. So she took the smoke and treasured the temporary calmness, however fake and fleeting it was.

“Yuxin,” Yuxin knew how she looked in front of them. Like a maniac. Like how she called Keran that day. She hated when they looked concerned, she was grateful that they care, but it was the worst thing to be scrutinized that way.

Yuxin took a deeper drag than she let on and started to cough. Xueer instantly came toward her, trying to grab the cigarette.

“Don’t—” Yuxin moved away from her as she was still hacking from her coughs.

“Liu—”

“I said don’t—” her hands started shaking, her head throbbing.

Yuxin suddenly felt her heart pounding against her ribcage; her stomach was rolling. She was going to be sick. But instead of letting Lin Fan and Xueer guided her inside the apartment, Yuxin planted her feet down and swatted their hands away. Ignoring their sad and worried gaze. Yuxin couldn’t stand it when they looked at her like that; it made her feel like shit. A sad and pathetic human being.

Yuxin took another drag from her cigarette, but middle-drag she coughed, and the smoke entered the wrong pipe. Searing pain stung her throat and sinuses, make her wheeze harder. Tears of frustration built up behind her eyes.

Lin Fan snatched the cigarette from her shaking hands and stomped it under her foot. She pocketed the lighter. Xueer pulled her hands in an attempt to get her inside, but Yuxin wouldn’t bulge. The second tug only brought Yuxin to her knees, as they couldn’t move her.

“Gods, you’re sweating. Yuxin—Yuxin, _baobei,_ I need you to breathe.”

“Xueer, she has a panic attack.”

“I know that! Help me remove her jacket—”

Lin Fan came behind her and removed the windbreaker quickly. She knelt down behind Yuxin, rubbing her back.

“Yuxin, hear me—breathe. Just breathe.” Xueer mimicked the motion of inhaling and exhaling through her nose slowly as she cupped Yuxin’s face. “Breathe through your nose slowly, _baobei._ ”

Yuxin didn’t realize that her tears smeared and ruined her makeup, but it was the least of her worry when all that she could think about was how wrong she had been all this time. Keran tried so many times to talk to her. She gave so many signs. The sudden onslaught of memories hit her. When her breathing became calm, and her cough stopped. Yuxin met the panicked eyes of Kong Xueer, her longest friend. She painfully realized that Keran was trying to fight for them all along and _stayed_ while _she_ was the one who left.

A sob escaped her lips as she felt her eyes started to water again. Weeks of suppressing her emotions finally caught up to her. She heard Lin Fan called her name, but all she could hear was how wrong she was. Yuxin felt Xueer pulled her into a hug as she wept anguishedly. She was wrong.

She had been very wrong.

***

Clouds gathered, bringing an early night, snow began to fall steadily from the sky to the earth in a soft wind. The skies above were an unholy mixture of shale-grey clouds and pasty streaks. The bleak skies were depressing. Keran watched the first snow in December started to covered everything in the polar-white coat. A thick blanket wrapped tightly around her body. A glass of scotch taken to warm up chilled body was a poor substitute for the sun.

When Keran lived in South Korea, there were cultural implications about the first snow. One of them was that if you confess to someone or being with someone during the first snowfall, you will stay together for a long time. And the other said that if you make a wish during the first snow, your wish will come true.

She thought about something several years back. The first snow fell in late November. She just got off work, and she was on the phone with Yuxin. Keran recalled the sayings, and she didn’t know where she got that courage, but she blurted her feelings to the younger woman out loud right on the phone. Her heart pounded like a blacksmith’s hammer. Then Yuxin hung up the phone, and Keran spent days in anxiety until she started to believe that she might have scared Yuxin away. When they met again, Keran barely able to looked Yuxin in the eyes. She made every effort to acted as casual as possible beside the other short-haired girl.

Keran was on her way to the toilet mid-practice when a pair of veiny hands pulled her into a dimmed-light room. In the shadows, Yuxin’s tiny face was so close that Keran could taste her breath. Keran didn’t even catch a glimpse of her face when suddenly Yuxin’s lips were on hers, making her gasped. Then Yuxin’s tongue instantaneously was in her mouth, so urgent. As she explored Keran’s mouth with a contortive sweep, Keran was left cornered against the wall, eyes clenched shut. Her senses went overdrive.

Her wish came true.

“It’s fucking freezing here.”

Naiwan stepped out onto the balcony, broke Keran out of her reverie. She tilted her head to the side, eyebrow cocked. “Good. You’re not smoking.”

With a flourish of her hand, Keran raised her cigarette pack and a lighter. Naiwan snorted.

“Only for tough days.”

“Bullshit. You’ve smoke regularly now.”

Keran frowned. She didn’t want to think that smoking is her habit now. It was just for stress, and she’d been stressed lately. That’s all.

“You’ve smoked. Now you’re drinking too?” Naiwan jerked her chin to Keran’s scotch.

Keran huffed to her friend, sipping her scotch; there was a trace of smokiness behind the malty liquor. Naiwan looked at her a little longer before she pushed Keran on her shoulder. The silence that came next was a bit tense, but none of them intended to interrupt. Both women watched the snowfall in uneasy peace.

But it ended much too soon.

“Lin Fan called me last night. Apparently, Yuxin came to her place trying to search for you.”

Keran’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Then she had a panic attack on the balcony since you forbid Lin Fan to give your address. Poor girl almost passed out from asphyxiation.”

Keran cringed, taking absolutely no pleasure in hearing about Yuxin’s pain. Keran remained silent as she emptied her scotch from its tumbler. The warmth from the alcohol went straight to her stomach, but her stomach churned. She opened her cigarette pack and reach for a cig, ignoring the telling look from Naiwan.

“What, Naiwan?”

“Can’t you stop smoking? It’s your what—fourth now?”

“Enough with the third degree, Zhao Xinyue.”

“Lu _Jie_ —”

“I swear by all Gods, Naiwan! I really am not in the mood to be patronized.”

Keran lit the cigarette in her hand and took a big drag, pulling the smoke and holding it in her lungs for a moment before exhaling. She closed her eyes and tried to relax, but it was no use. She was more distressed than ever.

“I’m not patronizing you, Keke. I’m just trying to help…”

“Well, you should think twice before telling me all that stuff.” Keran took a long draw and exhale, letting the smoke blow in the wind. “Why are you telling me this?” Keran asked softly.

“I thought you might want to know—”

“You thought wrong—” Keran sighed, “Even when separated, we couldn’t stop hurting each other.”

“You should talk to her, Keke.”

Keran chuckled, “Have you ever talked to Yuxin?”

“What—”

“She’s like—one of the most impossible people to talk to.”

“And you’re no better, Lu Keran. Both of you are very stubborn, especially when you both have your mind made up about something. Talking about a Taurus and a Scorpio.” Naiwan muttered.

“Well, I’m listening now.”

“Okay, you told me you guys fight a lot. What have you done in those fights?”

“I’ve stayed. Whenever Yuxin and I fight, I always stay. Yuxin leaves.”

“Have you ever wondered why she leaves?”

_No._

“Maybe she needs the space, Keke. Fighting with you always intense.”

“But she shouldn’t have left—she should’ve stayed and talked it out with me,”

“Fine, but have you ever gone after her?”

_No._

“Have you ever gone after her and tell her how you feel?”

_No._

“She’s not a fortune-teller, Keke. You have to tell her, you can’t just assume that she could read your mind or knows how you feel.”

Keran took a last drag from her cigarette, “When did you become so wise?”

“I’m always wise. You just fool—and I’m keeping this.” Naiwan snatched her cigarette pack and lighter.

***

Keran drained her coffee down the sink. The caffeine was too much for her empty stomach but not enough to decrease her feelings of anxiety at the same time. After Naiwan left her apartment, she was jittery. She needed something else to calm her nerves, to help her concentrate. Moments later, Keran found herself smoking on the balcony. But this time, the cigarette did nothing.

After several puffs, it dawned on her. The only reason she smoked months ago was to calm her nerves, but she still weary, and she was still smoking. By the time she put it out on the ashtray, Keran had realized that she was smoking not to relieve her stress but because it was out of habit.

Keran never liked that word, especially to describe her smoking. Tonight would be her last as she turned on her heels and went back inside. She was in the middle of preparing herself an instant noodle when Naiwan’s words replayed in her head. It was as if she’d been in some sort of trance when she’d gotten up from the table and left her noodle, took her bag, and called for a taxi.

She was a knock away from their doorstep—at _midnight_.

Keran didn’t know if Yuxin even home or not. She was in battle whether she should knock or should just leave.

She knocked.

She didn’t know how long she’d been standing out there, but her hands are freezing. Keran always forgot her gloves. She took some deep breath, she knocked again. When there were no answers, Keran started to walk away.

“Keke?”

Keran spun around, and there she was. At the threshold, “Do you need something?”

“I—nothing. It can wait till morning, I should just—”

“It’s late and snowing. Come in.”

Keran wanted to decline, but she was cold, and she knew she could never do this again. Yuxin quickly closed the door. “You could’ve just come in. You have the key.”

Keran could’ve smacked her own face. _Fucking_ idiot.

“I—I thought you might change them.”

“I never changed them.”

“Oh,” Keran stared at Yuxin a little bit longer. She looked utterly worn-out.

“I’m sorry,” Yuxin blurted out.

“What?”

“Keke, I’m—” the words died on her tongue, but Yuxin tried again, “I’m sorry. And I was wrong—about everything.”

“I told my parents everything.”

Yuxin blinked. “Everything…about us?” Keran nodded. “I told my mom and aunt.”

“How—how did she take it?”

“She hung the phone.”

Yuxin’s heart sank to her feet, just like she predicted. “I imagine it was a lot to take in.”

They stood like that for what seemed like forever. Naiwan’s words played on loops in her head. Keran seriously wanted to spontaneously combust. But when she opened her mouth, everything just poured out of her.

“I’m sorry too, Yuxin. I blamed you for everything wrong in our relationship when I was just as much to blame—which is unfair and hypocritical of me. You’ve made mistakes after mistakes but—” her chest was intensely tight, but she pushed through, “but so have I.”

Yuxin shook her head and argued, “But you were trying to make it work, you stayed, you tried to talk to me—I didn’t listen, and I thought everything was more important than _us_. I’m the reason we’re at this point.”

“Yuxin—”

“I didn’t do a lot of things right when it comes to us, and I know I don’t deserve you and your forgiveness, but I just hope…one day…you’ll forgive me?”

There was silence as they stared at each other.

***

Few days after they talked, Yuxin gathered her nerve and called her parents to tell them everything. To her own amazement, her parents told her that the only thing that disappointed them was that she never managed to muster up some faith in them. They’ve learned to cope when it came to her decisions ever since she was a little girl. Learning popping, going to Beijing at the tender age of ten, became an idol.

It turned out why Keran at the doorstep in the middle of the night because she was worried about her. Yuxin didn’t know what to think about that. Ashamed, perhaps, since Keran knew about her stupid smoking accident on Lin Fan’s balcony. But the more Yuxin thought about it, the more she was confident that _perhaps,_ Keran loved her still. And there was nothing to be ashamed of. It was just Keran. _Keke._

When Yuxin fell silent when her parents asked what she would do in this case, her father only said one word; be _brave._ She hadn’t heard that word for some time, even though it was her life standard of living things. For some time, her brain was in a muddle, along with her heart.

And as Yuxin stared countless times at a written caption in her screen phone, that word appeared on her mind. If she decided to post it, there would be no going back. She took lots of leap of faith before, now she needed one more. She took one last look at the caption before she pressed the send button.

***

Keran was awakened by the constant beeping of her phone notifications. She grumpily picked her phone as she shook the sleepiness away. There were numerous unanswered calls from her friends, especially from Lin Fan and Naiwan. But what shocked her was the thousands number badge on her notification. Curious about what happened, Keran opened the messages and scrolled down until she found a shared post.

Yuxin was out to the public.

Her heart hammered as she read the post; it was pretty concise and clear. But what made Keran’s roaring heart skipped a beat was how at the end of her writing, Yuxin mentioned her name.

There were innumerable comments with various reactions about her coming out of the closet; some are shocked, and some are downright nasty. But most were very supportive and accepting. They were trending both on social media and search engines. Keran didn’t know what to feel; her throat parched, and she sweated a little. A sharp knock on the door made her jump. Keran made haste to the door. Her breath almost left her when Liu Yuxin herself was standing in front of her door.

Yuxin was fumbling with her fingers as she stood awkwardly in front of her unit. Keran wondered for a brief moment how in the world Yuxin found her address but quickly realized that she drove her back a few nights ago on her sudden midnight trip to their home. She also noticed how well-dressed Yuxin was comparing to her unflattering bare-faced, fresh from sleep look. She didn’t even wash her face.

“Can I come in?”

It startled Keran into action as she widened her door to let Yuxin in, “Yeah, sure, come in.”

Yuxin stepped inside as Keran shut the door behind her. “Nice place,”

“Thanks,”

It was strange how awkward they were with each other. The tension was so thick they could cut it with a knife. Keran leaned herself on the door crossing her hands while Yuxin was looking at everything except her.

_Be brave._

“I know about the—”

“I want to say—”

“news,”

“something.”

Both were fell back to silence as neither of them wanted to continue. Keran sighed. They wouldn’t go anywhere if they keep this up. So she took the first step.

“Sorry, you were saying?”

“I—you can go first,” Yuxin replied, ever so courteous.

“Right. I know about the news…”

“And?”

“And,” Keran sighed again, “I—I don’t know. I thought you would never do that. You were so adamant about not going to the public before, so…” she let the sentence hung between them, unsure how to carry on.

“You should know Keke,”

“What do you mean—” Yuxin held her hand to stop her from continuing.

“You should know because I did it all for you,” Yuxin stared at her, “I also told my parents about us.”

Keran blinked. She didn’t know if she wanted to hear this or not.

“They were disappointed, yes, but only because I couldn’t tell them earlier…”

“Yeah?”

Yuxin smiled. She hadn’t smile like this for so long. Not in front of Keran. “Yeah… do you know what they told me?”

“What?”

“Be brave,”

Silence engulfed them once again, between the constant beeping sound of Keran’s phone in the distance, to Yuxin’s heart beating like a drum that she thought everyone and their mother going to hear it too, to the stillness around them, as if everything and everyone waiting for them with bated breath.

“I know I got so focused that I forget everything like nothing else matters. I know I’m so bullheaded and unrelenting that I could ignore and lose sight of everything important without realizing it. I only see what I wanted to see and hear what I wanted to hear that I become oblivious to everything else.”

“I love you,” Yuxin blurted out. “I picked you because I loved you—I still do! Even though you might not think so. Even though I don’t really say it or have been too focused on other things to show it.”

“So this is me trying to be brave, Keke. This is my trying to fight for you—for _us._ Everything I do, it was all for you.”

“Yuxin—”

Yuxin took a deep breath before she continued. “For a few months that we’ve been fighting and separated, I’ve spent months trying to remember why we were got together. I thought I didn’t know the answer—but I do. I knew it all along. I loved you—I still do, always have. At that dim-lighted storage room where we had our first kiss, to the day when we moved in together, I love you, Lu Jie. The rest don’t matter because I love you. It just buried under numerous fighting, stacks of misplaced anger, and ignorant stupidity. I’ve been a jackass about everything, and this separation has made me see that—and I don’t want it anymore.”

“Yuxin—”

Yuxin wasn’t finished. She got to let it all out. She’d been treading her words carefully until now. “I know love is not enough to save what we had, but it’s always a good place to start. I—I want to be with you. I want to make this work. I don’t want to break up and be apart from you.” she told Keran firmly.

“But I do.”

Keran’s words crushed her momentum. There was a screeching halt inside her head. Yuxin wanted to run away, but Keran was at the door. Yuxin felt like jumped out of the window or something—anything to get her out of this humiliating moment. Yuxin promised herself to be strong and confident, not letting Keran’s words get the best of her, but treacherous tears trickled down her face. It wasn’t what she expected at all. Yuxin turned her body away, refusing to let Keran see her tears.

Keran moved toward Yuxin. She hovered over her as she touched Yuxin’s trembling shoulders, “We should, Yuxin.”

Yuxin recoiled at her touch, “Why?” she asked, with a wobbly voice. Her throat was caught in something as she couldn’t stop her tears from falling. Not only she made a fool of herself, but the fact that Keran’s words had cut her beyond belief. Keran tried to turn Yuxin to face her, but the latter pushed her hands away. Yuxin needed to get out and crawled somewhere where no one would found her.

Yuxin still swatting Keran’s hands away when Keran used her strength and suddenly whirled Yuxin to face her. Yuxin’s eye popped open as she tried to wrestle herself away, but Keran wouldn’t budge as she held her firmly.

“Let go—”

Keran swallowed Yuxin’s incoming words with a kiss. Yuxin felt that she exploded into millions of confetti. Keran cupped her face slowly, wiping her tears.

“Keke—” Yuxin was caught off guard. But she never finished because Keran kissed her again, her lips, the corners of her mouth, her eyes, cheeks, nose, chin, and eventually nibbling on her lower lip between hers and kissing Yuxin properly, intimately. Like they hadn’t kissed for years, perhaps they hadn’t, perhaps they forgot how to.

It was so easy to lose herself in their kiss. But all Yuxin could think was how could Keran kiss her like this after what she said, and how Yuxin shouldn’t lean forward and kiss Keran back like this, but she was.

Keran ended their kiss with a last soft suck on Yuxin’s lip, their forehead touching.

“I hate when you walk away whenever we fight, it makes me feel like you don’t care.” Yuxin opened her mouth to say something, but Keran silenced her with a peck on the lips, “Just—don’t walk away. Don’t walk away from me even when you’re angry. Never again.”

As the lovers stood in the hallway, the silence was arcadian for the first time in a very long time.

“We _need_ to break up first.” Keran said, and Yuxin’s heart started to sink, but Keran wasn’t finished, “We fucked up last time. Now that we both said everything and see eye to eye—we had a chance to start all over again.”

Yuxin’s heart fluttered. But her next thought made her grimaced. “My post on Weibo—” Keran kissed her again, and for once, Yuxin let herself to let go. To stop overthinking about everything. When they pulled away, Keran said, “We’ll play it by the ear.”

Her words comforted Yuxin as she was just opened Pandora’s box by herself.

“Okay,” she exhaled as she ran her fingers through Keran’s ebony short locks. “We _will_ figure this out. Together.” Keran nodded as she began to kiss her again, making up for the lost time.

***

“Okay, so let me sum it up; you guys broke up, went public with everything, and date again?” Xiaotang’s voice cracked through the phone.

“Yep, pretty much so.”

“Wow…so, are you going to move into your house again?”

“No. Yuxin and I agree that we’re going to sell it.”

“And Yuxin’s going to stay in your apartment?

“No, Xueer told her that she could stay at hers instead so she could move into Lin Fan’s.”

“Wha—wait, wait. Who? Which ‘she’ are we talking about?”

Keran chuckled, “You’ve been in Beijing for too long. You should come here so we can have a proper reunion.”

“Yeah, yeah, but seriously, Keke. Who’s moving in with Lin Fan? Do you mean Xueer—”

“That…is a story for another day. I got to go. Talk to you later, _Zhao Tieniu_.”

Ignoring Xiaotang’s protest Keran ended the call as she shook her head. It was so bizarre how her life could turn out. Months ago, she was heartbroken as she moved out of her home. Between the chain-smoking, her insomnia, Yuxin’s short bursts of a panic attack, and her post to the public about their relationship and identity—all of them were rollercoasters of emotions with intense and agonizing self-discoveries.

There were still undeclared things about Keran and Yuxin, and to be honest, Keran didn’t know where she was with her partner. They were still a little lost, but that was as expected as they treading into the unknown—creating a new path for themselves. But they will be alright.

They were confidently sure about it.

Keran’s assistant escorted her as she walked out from her apartment to the waiting car with Yuxin inside. There was a spring festival that night, and it would be their first appearance as a couple since Yuxin’s staggering post on Weibo last month. Keran met her lover with a kiss, and her heart soared with the knowledge that they wouldn’t need to hide this anymore.

“You look beautiful,” Yuxin remarked as she tapped Keran’s corner lips to clean a smudge from their kiss.

“And so are you.”

“Are you nervous?” Keran asked as their vehicle turned around the corner, almost arrive at their destination.

“Understatement of the year,” Yuxin smirked.

Were they ready to go out there and face the media? Were they ready to start over? But more importantly, were they ready to be brave and not falter in front of scrutinizing stares?

Keran squeezed Yuxin’s hand as she looked at her.

It would take time to do all that. Time moves forward, and it would be stupid to stay and look back. They still got so much to learn. They still need to grow both as an individual and a couple. But whatever it was, as long as they did it together, then they would make a breakthrough.

_Love might not be enough, but it was a good place to start._

Just before the event’s staff could open the car’s door and the screaming of fans and camera flashes erupted, Yuxin leaned to kiss Keran once more as she held Keran’s hand tightly in hers. Throughout the fete, her grip was clammy and nervous, but not once it wavered.

**_-The End-_ **

**Author's Note:**

> And that is the end—for real. I hope there will be no more editing and adding parts to this story.
> 
> Exceeding 6.000 minutes of editing, with a little more than 10.000 words. After numerous glasses of wine, beer, a box of cigarettes. Through the evenings of many nights and struggling with the anxiety I had recently experienced—I hereby end this one-long-shot.
> 
> It was supposed to be my third or something project, but in the spirit of Valentine's day, I thought—why the hell not?
> 
> I recommend you read this while listening to the song that inspired this piece in the first place, Exile. Ms. Swift was—still is—one of the best lyricists of her generation. Kudos.
> 
> Anyways, I want to end things with an open door, in this case—car's door—as it signifies communication and agreement—and all those good things, of course. I want it to symbolize an open path and possibilities for our couple. I don't want things to go peachy and smooth the next time they kissed and makeup—I want it to be a little shaky and unsure but not bereft them of hope to work things out.
> 
> I try to show their worst traits, which are jealousy and stubbornness. I want to show Keran's ugly jealousy and Yuxin's unbending will. Let them trudge through the mud a little. I don't know if I succeed, but I hope all of you can see through it. I tried to make it as realistic as possible, and I struggled to make it less shitty than before.
> 
> Lastly, I hope those of you who read this can find a little distraction from your mundane lives and cheer you up a little bit—after the drama, of course—no rainbow before the rain and all that jazz.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Scotch


End file.
